The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

November 18, 2019
Healing from, and learning not to perpetuate, difficult upbringings is the linchpin of this practical, self-care–centered parenting guide from psychotherapist Perry (How to Stay Sane). Her primary focus is on the preschool years, though her range extends to addressing both expectant parents and those with adult children. Throughout, Perry invites readers to examine their attitudes toward parenting, focusing on the effect of painful experiences from one’s own childhood. She urges parents to approach their young offspring as people deserving of their respect, and with whom they will have a lifelong bond. Perry takes a “nudging” approach to bedtime routines and other learnable behaviors, through which children progress in small incremental steps. Her assertion that “all behavior is communication” applies not only to the young child, but to the parent as well; she asks readers to be aware of the messages they perpetuate as role models, to take responsibility for irksome behavior, and to establish an atmosphere of calm even when kids are misbehaving. Perry’s kind but professional tone results in a helpful manual that will appeal to new parents who want an expert on board as they take the time to be reflective in their parenting.

November 15, 2019
A veteran London-based psychotherapist uses her training and numerous case studies to formulate advice on how to develop strong and lasting relationships with your children. "I take the long-term view on parenting rather than a tips-and-tricks approach," writes Perry (How To Stay Sane, 2012, etc.). "I am interested in how we can relate to our children rather than how we can manipulate them....This book is for parents who not only love their children but want to like them too." At the beginning, the author asks readers to examine their own childhoods--the good, bad, and everything in-between--and assess what made them feel safe, nurtured, and loved unconditionally. If one did not have a childhood that fostered these positive emotions, as many have not, then she suggests that the emotional discomfort one feels is the clue to what not to do with your own child. By identifying these difficulties, one is more readily able to do the opposite and nurture positive feelings in your child. Perry looks at pregnancy and the first few months of life with a newborn, noting how the months prior to birth and immediately after create significant changes in a parent's life as they assume one of life's greatest responsibilities. The author encourages parents to talk to and engage with their child as soon as they can, accepting them as a fully aware person and not someone to talk down to or ignore by constantly being on the phone or by using electronic devices to entertain them. Her common-sense advice is backed by research and case studies as well as a variety of exercises for parents, including one about "how to predict difficulties." Although Perry's theories are hardly groundbreaking, the presentation of the information is friendly, accessible, and candid, making it easy to digest and act on. Solid, logical tips for readers to be better parents than their own parents.

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Starred review from November 15, 2019
Many parenting books are filled with tips and tricks for surviving the different stages of childhood, but British psychotherapist Perry (How to Stay Sane, 2012) takes a different approach here. She asks readers to take a closer look at themselves in order to understand their choices and behaviors as a parent. So much of what we have inherited sits just outside of our awareness. That makes it hard sometimes to know whether we are reacting in the here and now to our child's behavior or whether our responses are more rooted in our past. In an honest, warm, and judgment-free style, Perry helps readers examine their childhoods to decide which patterns to let go of and which to keep. She then guides readers through critical parenting behaviors and communicating with children from infancy to adulthood. Perry stresses the importance of acknowledging children's feelings, helping them express emotions, empathizing with their point of view, and setting boundaries appropriately. Already a bestseller in England, this is essential for all parents, from those first expecting to empty nesters. It's never too early or too late to improve the relationship with your children, and, as the title suggests, they'll be glad you did.(Reprinted with permission of Booklist, copyright 2019, American Library Association.)